Do you ever have one of those week, months... maybe even years where nothing seems to go right? You do the work, you dot your i's, cross your t's, you do what you are supposed to do in life and yet, it just seems like the world is caving in around you.
Truthfully? That is how I have felt since March. I am not one for expressing my feelings so much. My fitness journey? Sure. My struggles with cancer... a little more reserved, but I will still share. What I ate for dinner that night, you know I'll share that. But my feelings? Um, not often. One of my girlfriends and I were talking about that this weekend. Her and I are both the "keep the feelings in till they explode like Mount Vesuvius" kind of people. I am like that about a lot of emotions. It's hard for me to share about that.
So a life/cancer update, here we go: I found out about two weeks ago that I was in remission! Yay! This is so exciting. It is one more hurdle that I jumped to get rid of cancer and my family and I are stoked. We feel good about it, but we also got news that in order to fully prevent it from recurring, it would be in my best interest to go through another (BIG) surgery. One that will keep me down for the count for a few weeks and will be a life changing surgery (minorly, but still...) This surgery is not needed immediately, and I want to make sure everyone knows it is not life or death, it is just preventative. I want to wait until we move and I establish a team of physicians that I trust to have it done. When you have been through the healthcare system like I have in my life, you know that this is important. Not only that but I need to find a diabetes specialist who also specializes in cancer as well.... not easy to do in any area. Here in CO, it was a 4 hour drive to Denver. In FL it will most likely be a 2 hour drive to Tampa. So there is that, but the thing that has been really on my mind and the thing that keeps me up at night and wont let me sleep and the thing that I talk about the least is the financial strain this has put on our family.
I thought I was doing really well, keeping on top of our medical bills. (I say "our" because Corey and I are essentially going through this together, there is no "I" when you're going through cancer treatments, you have to be able to lean on someone) I worked hard through 10 weeks of radiation treatment that left me sick, tired, in pain.... to be able to pay the bills as they came in. Cancer treatment is not affordable. It is awfully expensive and we have insurance. I hate money. People say that "the people that say Money Is The Root of All Evil, don't have any" and I truly believe this! I worked - at the preschool, coaching through Beachbody, teaching Piyo - whatever I could do to bring something to the table financially I did. I put on a happy face and worked through it so I could turn around and pay the hospital every penny I made. When I was done with treatments I was excited. I had stayed on top of everything and felt like I did a good job of nipping that all in the bud. We took a celebratory cruise in February to relax, forget our stress, forget I had cancer, to unwind and just be together as a family. It was perfect.
Truthfully? That is how I have felt since March. I am not one for expressing my feelings so much. My fitness journey? Sure. My struggles with cancer... a little more reserved, but I will still share. What I ate for dinner that night, you know I'll share that. But my feelings? Um, not often. One of my girlfriends and I were talking about that this weekend. Her and I are both the "keep the feelings in till they explode like Mount Vesuvius" kind of people. I am like that about a lot of emotions. It's hard for me to share about that.
So a life/cancer update, here we go: I found out about two weeks ago that I was in remission! Yay! This is so exciting. It is one more hurdle that I jumped to get rid of cancer and my family and I are stoked. We feel good about it, but we also got news that in order to fully prevent it from recurring, it would be in my best interest to go through another (BIG) surgery. One that will keep me down for the count for a few weeks and will be a life changing surgery (minorly, but still...) This surgery is not needed immediately, and I want to make sure everyone knows it is not life or death, it is just preventative. I want to wait until we move and I establish a team of physicians that I trust to have it done. When you have been through the healthcare system like I have in my life, you know that this is important. Not only that but I need to find a diabetes specialist who also specializes in cancer as well.... not easy to do in any area. Here in CO, it was a 4 hour drive to Denver. In FL it will most likely be a 2 hour drive to Tampa. So there is that, but the thing that has been really on my mind and the thing that keeps me up at night and wont let me sleep and the thing that I talk about the least is the financial strain this has put on our family.
I thought I was doing really well, keeping on top of our medical bills. (I say "our" because Corey and I are essentially going through this together, there is no "I" when you're going through cancer treatments, you have to be able to lean on someone) I worked hard through 10 weeks of radiation treatment that left me sick, tired, in pain.... to be able to pay the bills as they came in. Cancer treatment is not affordable. It is awfully expensive and we have insurance. I hate money. People say that "the people that say Money Is The Root of All Evil, don't have any" and I truly believe this! I worked - at the preschool, coaching through Beachbody, teaching Piyo - whatever I could do to bring something to the table financially I did. I put on a happy face and worked through it so I could turn around and pay the hospital every penny I made. When I was done with treatments I was excited. I had stayed on top of everything and felt like I did a good job of nipping that all in the bud. We took a celebratory cruise in February to relax, forget our stress, forget I had cancer, to unwind and just be together as a family. It was perfect.
Then I got home and looked in the mailbox. I had 5 envelopes from the Gunnison Valley Healthcare System... 5. I thought: We've only been gone for 7 days what can all of these be. My heart sank as I opened them. Bills, all bills. More bills. I felt like I was going to explode. 4,593 .... 2,041 .... 1,297 ... 1,698 ... 751 ... Remember when I said I felt like I had done everything right and yet the world was still caving in all around me. That is how I felt. I was scared to tell Corey. He already carried such a heavy financial burden since I wasn't bringing to the table what I normally did. (I shouldn't have been scared, he is the calm one between us when it comes to things like this and he just said "you can't cry and get mad about this, what was the alternative? Not doing treatment and dying?") I just didn't know what I could do to change things. Probably nothing. I eat right, I am fit, I am active, I live in a beautiful clean air state.... but you still think of the what ifs. I could not sleep at night because all I could think was I want to buy a house, I want to pay my bills, I want to keep my credit up, I don't know what I am going to do.
Through the lack of sleep, (due in part to the financial stuff, moreso because my feet hurt so bad from the neuropathy (another great side effect of both Diabetes and where I had radiation done) the lack of ambition to help others set in and my Beachbody business was failing, I wasn't being the leader to my awesome team I should have been, I always felt like I was letting my leader down, I was moody with everyone - from the lack of sleep, the stress... I don't know, but I do know that somewhere in there my attitude changed from this positive, encouraging person I have worked so hard to become to a stressed out and irritable and sad person. THAT is not who I am. I even feel like my temper was short with Brody and I never want to be like that. Ever. I have learned to talk about my fears and my feelings. I was telling a few ladies at my church last week, kind of joking - well if I am being really honest, not joking at all - that I had heard another BB colleague of mine, a very well-respected and successful coach in the industry say how she would scavenge in her house for things she could return to wal-mart to be able to afford food that week and I was considering doing the same thing. It was then that I was told : IT IS OK TO NEED HELP. It's OK to take help. And it is most definitely OK to talk about our struggles instead of keeping them inside.
They put together this fundraiser for me and I didn't talk about it for over a week. I could not possibly share this. I could not tell people I was struggling. I could not let that facade down that I have been holding up. That I can do it all on my own.... So I told my sister. And she shared. Then my other sister did too. Then a few friends. SO I wanted to post an update as to what is going on so I am totally transparent and honest here.
I love that I have had so many people there for me over the past few months. I am truly blessed to have a great support system in my family and friends. I cannot say enough thanks.
If you want to donate, here is the link. It is truly appreciated.
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